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Salut everybody,

I want to show you what I look like when I was 9 years old. You may consider this as some sort of face reveal, I might consider posting what I look like nowadays, but you can imagine it to be basically this face albeit with a more developed jawline, long hair, and groomed facial hair. When I feel comfortable, I will do this.

> 9 year old me, despite my cold stoic expression, you can see I’m actually blushing. This was taken on Halloween, I blackmailed fellow kids to hand over their sweets if they wanted presents for Christmas. (Kidding).

Eye-Make-Up

Taylor Momsen looked so cool with her overemphasis on black eye makeup. While I think makeup is overrated, I do have a soft spot for eye makeup for both males and females (although of course I prefer females). I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I grew up in the 2000s.

Funny incidents I want to share:

• When I was a teenager, In WW2 history class, in response to appeasement not working, I dropped the line “I guess we did Nazi that coming!”, I was expecting groans and eye rolls, but people laughed very hard, so that was cool, even though I stole that joke from the internet.
• When I was a teenager, In a theatre play watched by probably half of a thousand people, I played the role of the grave digger in the Shakespeare Play, Hamlet. When setting up the prop, I placed the skull prop down and decided, for no reason, to assure the skull and thereby pet it. This made the entire audience burst of laughter, which was fitting since the gravedigger is a comic-relief character. This was not rehearsed, I never had the idea to do this until that point.
• A year or two ago, one time, on a bus in East London, the payment system stopped working, so the bus driver decided to not let any more passengers in. This led to hilarious scenarios whereupon reaching bus stops to drop passengers off via the exit door, the people waiting for the bus were enraged at the bus driver’s refusal to open the entrance door for them, they were going “please open de door! Why is dis man not openin de door?” and “saar open please, bus, it is empty! There are the seats!” (remember, East London). I wanted to open my window and tell them “judging by the way you folks are dressed, the bus driver has determined you’re all peasants and can’t afford to pay the fare!” and taunt them by dancing in the middle where they can see my moves through the glass door. When the bus departed, the people waiting would start yelling at him, there was this one kid stretched his arms out to the sky screaming “heY! HEY! WHAT THE FUCK!?” he looked so funny, I wish I could tell that kid he’s so funny.
• My class had this supply teacher, and we were being really noisy, which led to the assistant headteacher busting in demanding we shut up as his office was nearby, and upon the silence, the supply teacher was thanking the assistant headteacher before he was told, “You know what!? How about you shut up as well?!” we the students were in shock, my lungs were hurting and my face was so red because not only did I find this incredibly funny, I was trying my best to contain my laughter too. I had this friend sitting next to me who, somehow, wasn’t laughing, he was dead serious, going "bro, if that happened to me, naaaah bro, if I was that guy, bro, I’d see red, bro. Fuck the job, I’d jump at him bro. I’d challenge him to a fight in class bro, you don’t talk to me like that” and I wanted to tell him to shut up myself because my lungs were already in pain from laughter and his butthurt speech made me laugh even harder. That was a really good day.

How to win free sandwiches:

When I was in school, I had a crush on a lunch lady, she was in her 30s probably but because she was a smoker unfortunately her skin aged far more than her own age, she kind of looked like an English version of Natalia Poklonskya and Taylor Momsen, from what I remember, anyway, while talking to her after cafeteria closed, I’m not sure how this happened, what I said specifically, but she told me I could ask her for sandwiches, and she’ll give to me for free (I usually asked for tuna or chicken).

I saved up on the money in a piggy bank (because I am financially smart), and it still hasn’t been spent, but rest assured, it has lost its value thanks to inflation (so I guess I’m not that financially smart after all).

Nowadays, you can’t do that since lunch is paid for via an online top-up system by their parents, gone are the days when our youth would have the coins in their pockets, untracked and free to spend how they please. Unfortunate.

Lil’ Woof – A tycoon gooning on the moon.

I made a rap song.

Who here among us can play some tunes? 

*gangsta rap beat starts playing*

I’m a tycoon, swimming in my own pool, self-made got my own tools, surrounded by poons in the bedroom, I don’t need mushrooms, I coom so high I hit the moon, it’s dripping with my goon, “Houston, call that a honeymoon!” give my haters a spoon, “slurp my juice and consume!” they better hurry soon, I’m coming with another typhoon, haters busk outside saloons, can’t get dates, go on Discord find kids to groom, exposed and shamed on YouTube, in jail shower their butts get the brooms.

Hating on me as they drool. they’re so gloom, I laugh like watching Loony Tunes. 

I'm a man on the move. Went to Kabul, opened up a tech school, farmers in my classroom, taught them about CPUs, mining Bitcoin on GPUs. Next day saw my face in the news, nothing new, Taliban’s after me with a noose. Here comes my crew, “get in the cave, we’ll hide you till noon”, I said hell no I ain’t doomed, it’s all cool, gave deez hands to the Taliban made them go boom.

Came back home and made millions cause I wrote a book, shared the wealth with my peeps thats the right thing to do.

I teach kids not to be doomed, 1 + 1 = 2, pay attention don’t get confused, walked through the park what a nice view, out of nowhere approached by a goon, “give me your money, fool” karate kicked them flew past raccoons, begged for mercy we’ll be excused, hold on, who said I was  finished with you. Uh huh, yeah, who said I was finished with you. 

Skinny Twig's Spiked Bracelet:

I recently acquired this spiked bracelet, but they don't look as good on me because I'm skinny, so I have an extra incentive to continue working out. Also, I sometimes think about black nail polish, albeit I would never apply it on my own hands. It's just one of those things that sound good in your head, but in reality it wouldn't make sense.

You cannot negotiate with proprietary software.

A gmailer (hard r) sent me this email asked me the following (paraphrased):

"I'm setting up a new computer and need to know how to install Windows 11 without a Microsoft account for privacy. Any guidance would be appreciated!"

Unfortunately, as I do not communicate with gmailers, as well as “hot”mailers and yahoos, so I didn’t respond to his email. And while this question isn’t special enough to put on my monthly column on its own, but it does give me an excuse to talk about this. You cannot negotiate with proprietary software, especially proprietary OS. You can go as far as to “remove” the spyware bloat, but one Windows Update later and all of a sudden those features will be reactivated, plus some new ones installed you wouldn’t even know about until it’s too late. Also, stop using gmail.

“But you use Vegas Pro 11! That’s propertiary!” Don’t you ever EVER compare my 2011 video editor that doesn’t even connect to the internet (and if it does, I set the Wine prefix to be offline) with a 2020s operating system that needs the internet.

I switched to Linux during the Windows 7 era (yeah im true kvlt), and barring very few instances (library computer, friend’s pc, etc) I practically have not used Windows since then. It wouldn’t matter anyway, because in a week’s time Microsoft would release another update which would make my suggestion absolute.

Ciao!

- David Wolfe.